Nathaniel

I have been writing this in my mind for some time. I was searching for just the right way to tell it, but it seems there is no good way to tell an awful story; no way of sharing it that will make it not true. So. Rip the band-aid off.

On November 2, 2011 we lost our son.

I was 5 months pregnant. I had a healthy pregnancy and there were no known complications. I went into preterm labor that evening and went to the hospital, but the doctors were unable to stop it. I delivered our son at 9:42 p.m.; he died during the delivery.

We saw our baby and held him. We named him Nathaniel John. He weighed 1 lb. 2 oz. and was 12 inches long. He was absolutely beautiful and was perfectly formed. He had long fingers, blond hair, and looked just like his big sister Grace.

We have no answers as to why this happened. The doctors found no problems with the baby, the placenta or with me. Second trimester losses are quite rare.

We had Nathaniel's body cremated and we brought his ashes home.

This is by far the hardest thing we have ever been through. We have lost a future and with it many hopes and dreams. We are forever changed. There is no way to know this despair unless you have endured this loss yourself. I am told that the isolation that comes with it is natural- our baby was only yet real to ourselves. I can, however, assure you he was a real person. He was a part of our lives and our plans even before he was conceived. He was and is a part of our family. He will always be our son.

I realize that it's hard to know what to say at a time like this. If you are worried about saying the wrong thing, the links below might help. They are also a good resource to learn how best to support us right now. Know that you won't upset me by bringing up Nathaniel. You won't be "reminding" me- I can assure you I haven't "forgotten". I can't promise that you won't make me cry, but I can promise that if I do it's not because I'm upset with you.

http://www.griefspeaks.com/id44.html

http://community.babycenter.com/post/a947505/what_we_wish_everyone_knew_about_pregnancy_loss

http://www.momaroo.com/696230629/what-not-to-say-after-someone-experiences-a-stillbirth/

We appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers as we attempt to process our grief. We especially appreciate the cards we have received as they honor our son's memory.

We Wanted a Baby
By Judy M. Smith
We wanted a baby but had an angel. We wanted to nurture, but instead were comforted. We wanted to watch our baby grow, instead our child helped us grow and change. We wanted to teach about life, but were taught how to be more compassionate, understanding and thoughtful toward others. We wanted love; instead we were shown what unconditional love is all about. We wanted to hold our baby in our arms, instead we hold him in our hearts. We wanted to be a normal family; instead we have an angel that has touched our lives in such an incredible way. We wanted intense joy, instead we were taught to look at each beautiful moment in our lives as a treasured gift; the highs are higher – the lows are lower - each day and minute counts. We wanted a baby, but instead have an angel to always guide and love us. We wanted to be parents and we are.